If there was one thing I never expected to be interested by, it was poop.
Sure, I’ve wanted kids my whole life, but I never quite realized that having a baby meant becoming preoccupied with poop.
I mean, I knew there would be poop involved. But I pictured it like this: Open diaper, hold breath to avoid smell, quickly slip in a new diaper, tape up the old and get in the trash bin as soon as I possibly could. I would endure for the love of my bundle of joy.
But actually, it’s more like this:
Open diaper. I wonder how poopy this diaper is going to be...
Do a quick overview of contents. Yep, that’s a lot of poo, all right.
Assess color. Is it just me, or is it more green than usual? That’s really green, right? Is it because of something I ate, or is she sick?
Assess texture. Is it usually that sticky? What are those weird lumps?
Hold diaper up to the light. Is it really that green?
Realize that baby is peeing and try to cover her with a new diaper before it gets everywhere. Fail. Thank goodness she’s a girl.
Remove changing table cover and put it in the laundry. Again.
Wipe baby and put on a new diaper. If she doesn't pee again, that is.
Inspect old diaper contents carefully one more time before throwing it out. I wonder if What to Expect: The First Year has a good explanation for this weird green color…
Run to check What to Expect for the 45th time this month.
Yep. I’m fascinated by baby poo.
That’s my life now.